13T.C-S

Hey baby girl.
I miss you.

Sometimes life in this world seems so hard. Sometimes it even seem "too" hard. There are gray areas, and gray areas inside of the gray areas. Things get fuzzy. It's sometimes difficult to tell fact from fiction, up from down, or right from wrong.

But sometimes, just sometimes, it's not that hard. Some days, everything just comes in crystal clear. You see people for who they really are and you can see not just their bodies, but their soul. You can hear more than just their words; you hear their heart. You take pause to appreciate the enlightened sense of others, and then you have to decide...

What are you going to do about it?

That's where my "13 Things" picks back up, right where it left off last year.

I am so excited to put into motion my personal project. It's a calling I feel so strongly, and it's coming in crystal clear. For the next 13 days, I will be making gestures of good will, faith, support, and kindness to others. I do these things in your name, Carly. I do them because of you, and the heart shaped mark you've left on my life.

Love,
Mommy

Tonight, For The First Time...

Carly,

You have been in my dreams almost every night this past week. I can't recall having dreamt of you up until now. Day dream, yes and all the time. At night... not so much. I think of how many times I wished I could dream of you. I imagined how lovely it would be to at least get to see you grow up in the moonlight and coziness of my bed, if nowhere else. My first dream, was not so lovely tho' it started off especially great!

 

It was of the day you were born, except this time you were alive, and everything was perfectly normal. I was in a hospital room with you, and we were lounging on a day bed together. There were other people in the room. I knew all of them but I can't recall who each individual was. I was, however, aware of two people in particular. Your daddy, and the fact that he was not there, and the  ominous nurse standing in the corner of the room just watching. She was making me uncomfortable, and I knew something unpleasant was being anticipated, but I also supposed that she may just a precautionary tactic. She, and the mood that emanated from her, was easy to ignore as you and I spent the longest minutes together. I was playing with you, holding your hand, tickling your feet, and squeezing your chubby little cheeks; all while I watched the door anxiously for your daddy to return so I could show him all of these adorable things about you.

 

Suddenly, the room went dark, and my vision was tunneled. My peripheral was blurred and the people and things in it were immediately more insignificant than the moments before. I could see that you were slowly fading. Your breathing was slowing to a halt, and the life in your eyes was retreating from me. Your hands, then arms, were going limp, then they became heavier, as with the rest of your body. I was watching you die, and so was the nurse. I was calling for help but this nurse, she was only watching as if this is what she had been waiting for all along. She was verbally reassuring me everything was ok. You know, like how you whisper in a loved one's ear as they drift asleep when they are not feeling well. Her words were calm and kind, but I was frantic. I was shaking, and trying to get you to respond, but each second swept you further away until I was left with only the shell of what was you.

 

I posted a few months ago about wondering which would have been better; to have you born and living for just a short time, or to have let you go before you were born, like we did? Back then, I decided that it would have been better to have had some time with you before you died. To see your eyes looking into mine, to see your daddy rocking you to sleep, and to dress you in ridiculous pink dresses. Geez, just to get some pictures with you, dammit! After this dream though, I have a different opinion. Experiencing your death after meeting your spirit, even in just a dream, was so painful. Much more painful than the reality we've endured so far. It's better, for me, that you were gone before I knew you anymore that I already did.

 

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the small mercy's of God. Sometimes we don't even know just how much we've been spared, until the moment has long passed.

 

Love you and miss you!

-Mommy



Good Morning Sunshine

Hey baby girl,

How are you? Me and your dad and are doing okay. Better these days, I think. I say that tentatively because it seems we never know what's next.

I saw you in my dreams this week. It was a strange scenario where you were a baby, but you were talking to me. You were just talking gibberish, and complaining about something on your leg or feet. I was just getting ready to feed you. Weird, huh?!?

Anyways, It was a long week, that went by really quickly. Does that even make sense? Well, if you were here, you'd know what I mean. One day it seemed I was headed back to work, and was all stressed out. I was even throwing up all the way to work one day which I am pretty sure was just my nerves getting the best of me. Then, the next thing I know, I'm leaving for a two day retreat at home.

It's been almost exactly 2 months since you were born. I've moved your most adorable outfits to my closet where they hang in their own special section so I can see them every day. Your bouncy seat is full of my maternity clothes and your diaper bag, that nanna made, is sitting in a chair all packed up with your little trinkets and doo-dads neatly inside. It all still sits in the corner of our room. I have no need for these things anymore, but I still can't bring myself to give them away, or put them in storage.

It's not any easier to miss you. Last night, as we were driving home from dinner, I was imagining you being all snapped in to a car seat riding along with us. I looked in the rear view mirror to see the spot where you would have been. Of course, there was a smear of pain that ran across my heart when I saw nothing there. It would be so cool to be surprised and see you just around the corner when I wasn't expecting it. But you're not like a car, or a favorite purse I want. I can't just wait a little longer, and then I can go get you. It's not patience I need. You are the one who must have patience now. You are in the place of waiting and I can't say I'm in a hurry to get there.

It's such a quandary. I want to be here on earth with the ones I love. My husband, my family, my children. I don't want to leave them, and I especially don't want them hurting over me the way I hurt over you. But you are not here, and so I am a contradiction of myself. I want to be with you too just I like I want to be with them. I'm learning it's ok to be happy to be alive, and here with them, even though I know it means I can't be with you. I'm still torn at times, but I rely on my firm belief that we will be together when the time is right.

So hold on, baby. I'm gonna finish what I have to do here, and I'm gonna have as much fun as I can while I'm doing it. I'll never stop thinking about you. I'll never forget that when it is finally all over, you and I will just begin.

Until We Meet Again...
Mom

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go...

Dear Carly,

It's been a while since I've written you, and I miss you.

I've been very busy relaxing lately. I go back to work tomorrow and I'm just a little nervous. I don't think I'm ready... but I don't really think I ever will be ready so I might as well suck it up and go.

I was holding someone else's baby today. He was born two days before you were supposed to be. He was one of those cuddly babies that falls asleep in your arms and you can feel your worries melt away as you watch him drift off. He was beautiful... but he wasn't you. I thought I would cry, or get emotional, but all I really felt was happy for him, his momma and daddy. You might have met him just before his spirit joined us on earth. I don't pretend to know exactly when that happens, but maybe it's not just chance that he and I visited. I held him, and stared at him, and remembered all the cute little things that babies do like puke, and grunt, and stretch, and make faces while they sleep. As perfect as he was, he wasn't you.

I miss you, baby girl. I miss you with all my heart. I wish I was doing things like watching you gently lie in your daddy's big strong arms. I wish I was talking about what you are like, whether you sleep alot at night, and what simple habits you've picked up when you're awake. I wish we were together.

I'm sorry is all I can really feel today. I'm sorry I didn't catch what was wrong sooner and maybe I could have saved you. I'm sorry to your daddy for letting his heart get broken. I'm sorry for myself because I wanted you so badly too.

I am preparing myself, this last night before going back to work, I am feeling foolish. I feel as though I was a happy little momma-to-be and so naive about it. I feel like all the talking about you, and planning, was for nothing. I feel I built you up so much, that now I am just a fool with a dream that won't come true, and everybody knows it. There are so many hurtful people in the world. They don't care who they step on to get what they want. Whether it's personal or not, they use tactics that are, and often leave you feeling beaten up after they walk away. I run into a lot of people like this at work. Some of those people were yelling at me the day you died, and I'm worried about how I will feel when I see them again. There are some really nice ones too. There are some people that are genuine, honest, and don't use or punish others for their own gain. I really look forward to seeing those people that I get to work with, so I guess it balances out. I'll have to take the bad with the good.

I wish you were here. It would be nice if you could be a part of my cheer up crew, like your siblings are. It's not a hard job... you just have to be here. You just have to be able to hold my hand, give me a hug, and need me.  Where you are though, you don't need me but I still need you. Not as critically as air or water... but it is a need. One I will have to wait to have filled.

Anyways, honey, I will miss you more than ever tomorrow.

Until We Meet Again,
Mom

From Aunt Brittany

To my Niece, Baby Carly.

I have thought long and hard for almost a month now as to what I wanted to say. Your cousins (especially Chloe) and I were so looking forward to meeting you. Of course I already have a Niece and Nephew, and I love them dearly, but I was anxiously awaiting your arrival so I could love you just as much!

I will never forget the moment your nana told me your mommy had called her and said something was wrong. All I thought from that time, until still even this day, that there is some kind of mistake and the Dr’s got it all wrong. Sadly, they were right. I know you were desperately looking forward to meeting your mommy and daddy, I know you know you had picked the perfect parents to love you eternally. Sadly, something went wrong and you are now in heaven with your Heavenly Father.
I want you to know that I love your mom and dad with all my heart. I am privileged to have them as part of my family. Your mommy is one of the most caring, thoughtful people. She loves all her children, including you, with her whole heart and soul. Your daddy too is a loving father and I know you would’ve have had him wrapped around your tiny little finger.

We will never know why you had to leave this world, but we will always remember you while we are in it. You will always be a part of this family and you will never die within our memories or hearts. On behalf of Chandler and Chloe and for myself, we love you Baby Carly, and we always will!
Love,
Your Aunt, Brittany

From Daddy - To Carly

Baby Girl,

Tomorrow was supposed to be one of those special days, like the ones you only get a few times in your life, that you cherish. Like when your brothers were born, and when I met your mom. This was one was going to be VERY special because I was finally gonna have a baby girl! I love your brothers very much, and am so proud of them, but a little part of me always wanted a little girl too. See, I had given up hope of that a long time ago, then I met your mom, we got married, and decided we wanted a child together. When your mom told me she was expecting, I was soooo happy, and immediately hoped you were a girl. Later, when we found out you were a girl, I was so excited. I could not wait! I examined the ultrasound picture a thousand times to be sure, and was happy because I was finally gonna have my baby girl. When we shopped for baby stuff, I made your mom get all pink stuff, real fluffy and girly stuff. I was soooooooo excited! When I would tell people about you, they could see the excitement on my face. Tomorrow, you were supposed to be here.

Baby girl, something happened and my dreams came crashing down. Baby, I'm so broken without you. I wanted you so bad, for so long, and figured it would never happen. Then I got so excited when I thought it would, then it was taken from me.

I'm so sorry baby. If I knew this was gonna happen, I would have never tried to have you.I had one day with you, and I wanted a lifetime. I wanted you to be daddy's girl. I wanted to be the best dad in the world for you. I wanted to see you grow up and be beautiful like your mom, but rotten like me. I wanted to see you learn to walk, look silly while I played dolly's with you, turn you into a tomboy and then a little princess. I wanted to scare the shit out of little boys that wanted to date you. I wanted to see you get married and have a family and a good life.

I'm so sorry I can't give you that to you, and you will not experience those things. Just know how much you were wanted, and loved by your mom and me. Know how much I love you, and miss you. Know that I will think of you everyday, and that you are a big part of my life... just not how I expected it to be.

I love you baby girl, Carly.

-Daddy

One Month Ago

Today is one month since we lost you, honey. And in two more days, it will be the day we were waiting for... the day you were supposed to arrive. 10:45 AM. Oh yeah, it's been one loooong month and I have cried every day of it. I've had some smiles too... but they haven't been the smiles that I'm used to. They aren't deep, and they aren't as fulfilling. They certainly are welcome but they just aren't' the same. I want those smiles back, but I don't know how.

I don't think time is going to heal this pain. It's like arthirtis, except it's in your heart. Some days are tolerable but only because you get used to it. Then out of blue, your condition is worse, and it hurts more. Then you learn to tolerate that too and the cycle continues. They call it coping, I think. I would like to be learning to cope with huge piles of cash! Some retail therapy always helps. Instead, I've learned to distract myself; look away from the radiant mother-to-be in line in front of me, and ignore all the reminders of how our lives would be different if only. Every date is monumental and means something when you're missing someone you love. 1 month since, 2 days until; the list is endless. I don't know if it's different when you're missing someone you've had the chance to hold and kiss for 50 years, or missing someone you held and kissed only once. I only know it sucks.

Anyways, baby, your Daddy's family gave me a great necklace to remember you by. It has your name, date of birth, a charm and a sweet saying inscribed on it. It means so much to me. It jingles a little when I move around and it reminds me of bells ringing from a church far away. It reminds me of you in every way. Nanna Guest wants to make sure I add your birthstone to my wedding band. It already has Collin, Jon, Cailey, and Chris' in it... I'm just missing you. Let me say that again... I'm just missing you.

Until We Meet Again,
Mom and Dad

I Get Goosebumps

Hey sweet Carly,

I miss you today. I miss you always, but instead of the missing you getting easier every day, some days are a step backward, and today was one of those days. So, I thought about you quietly, as much as I could today. I was really hoping for some clarity and peaceful reassurances in my heart but instead,  I ended up with more new questions in my mind.

I was wondering if it's you that keeps giving me goosebumps all over my left leg. Are you close to me? Are you busy there in Heaven, or do you get some spare time to come by and check on us? Do you miss me and daddy? Are you waiting for us? Do you really know how much I miss you and how sorry I am that something bad happened? Do you hear my prayers too... or does only God hear them? Would you come back if you could, or is it so awesome where you are that you are happier than we could ever make you?

I know these are more questions I can't have the answers to, and that's ok. I just wonder. I'll probably just make up my own answers and tailor them to make myself feel better. I don't think there's anything wrong with that... is there? I need something to make me feel better.

Until We Meet Again...
Mom

Missing You, baby

Dear Carly,


Not a day goes by without you yet. You are the first thing I think of, even before I am aware that I'm awake. I mostly think about how to get you back. I know it's not realistic, but I still beg God to change his mind. I also think about you last before I close my eyes to go to sleep. I layed in bed last night, watching a movie with daddy, and thought about how I would have been laying there with a belly full of baby still had everything gone according to plan... and I missed my excuse to get a foot rub. You see, the whole time I was pregnant with you, daddy would rub my feet any time I asked him, and it soothed my entire aching body. It would put me right to sleep, every time. I try to make myself dream of you but I haven't yet. I'm sure I will one day and I will write it down so it can become a part of my memories of you.


Until we meet again...
Mom and Dad




Hiking with Hubby and Cailey near Helen, GA



Welcome Darling

To My Darling Carly,

Oh, my sweet baby. I don't know where to begin. I have loved you since the moment I knew you were coming. Every day, my love grew stronger. For almost eight months, I imagined what you would look like, and planned all of the wonderful things we would show you as you grew up. The whole time, I felt you growing inside me. Your dad and I even nicknamed you "wiggler" because you were such a busy little thing bumping and tumbling around all day, every day. I don't know what happened, and never will, but everything changed on that Friday, May 13th.

At the Dr.'s office was the first time my heart sank into my chest. Then at the hospital, it completely broke in two. I was on my way to meeting the little angel inside me, except she was already back in Heaven. I felt the Dr.'s separate our two bodies but couldn't hear a thing.  I didn't hear you cry, and the Dr.'s didn't make a sound except to announce the time. It was 1:06pm. I closed my eyes one more time hoping to open them and find I was just in a dream. But it wasn't, and so I waited hopelessly to meet you... so I could say goodbye.

Finally I had you with me, and I could wrap my arms around the Carly I had been loving all along. Feeling you in my arms was all the comfort I could have, and I was calm for that short time. Now you are gone forever, except in the heart and mind of your father and I. There you will live forever. We will never forget you. You will always be one of our children and we will always be your family. You will always be daddy's little girl. We will celebrate your birthday like you were here.

I hope you will be with us in spirit sometimes, and I hope we make you proud to know that we were the parents you would have had. We love you, and we love each other for you.

Until we meet again...

Mom and Dad