Tonight, For The First Time...

Carly,

You have been in my dreams almost every night this past week. I can't recall having dreamt of you up until now. Day dream, yes and all the time. At night... not so much. I think of how many times I wished I could dream of you. I imagined how lovely it would be to at least get to see you grow up in the moonlight and coziness of my bed, if nowhere else. My first dream, was not so lovely tho' it started off especially great!

 

It was of the day you were born, except this time you were alive, and everything was perfectly normal. I was in a hospital room with you, and we were lounging on a day bed together. There were other people in the room. I knew all of them but I can't recall who each individual was. I was, however, aware of two people in particular. Your daddy, and the fact that he was not there, and the  ominous nurse standing in the corner of the room just watching. She was making me uncomfortable, and I knew something unpleasant was being anticipated, but I also supposed that she may just a precautionary tactic. She, and the mood that emanated from her, was easy to ignore as you and I spent the longest minutes together. I was playing with you, holding your hand, tickling your feet, and squeezing your chubby little cheeks; all while I watched the door anxiously for your daddy to return so I could show him all of these adorable things about you.

 

Suddenly, the room went dark, and my vision was tunneled. My peripheral was blurred and the people and things in it were immediately more insignificant than the moments before. I could see that you were slowly fading. Your breathing was slowing to a halt, and the life in your eyes was retreating from me. Your hands, then arms, were going limp, then they became heavier, as with the rest of your body. I was watching you die, and so was the nurse. I was calling for help but this nurse, she was only watching as if this is what she had been waiting for all along. She was verbally reassuring me everything was ok. You know, like how you whisper in a loved one's ear as they drift asleep when they are not feeling well. Her words were calm and kind, but I was frantic. I was shaking, and trying to get you to respond, but each second swept you further away until I was left with only the shell of what was you.

 

I posted a few months ago about wondering which would have been better; to have you born and living for just a short time, or to have let you go before you were born, like we did? Back then, I decided that it would have been better to have had some time with you before you died. To see your eyes looking into mine, to see your daddy rocking you to sleep, and to dress you in ridiculous pink dresses. Geez, just to get some pictures with you, dammit! After this dream though, I have a different opinion. Experiencing your death after meeting your spirit, even in just a dream, was so painful. Much more painful than the reality we've endured so far. It's better, for me, that you were gone before I knew you anymore that I already did.

 

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the small mercy's of God. Sometimes we don't even know just how much we've been spared, until the moment has long passed.

 

Love you and miss you!

-Mommy



Perfectly Imperfect

This was up on my facebook for a little while and one of my friends called it, "perfectly imperfect". 

The truth is, I never even saw this butterfly in person. My son was sitting on the boat all by himself (not feeling well because he stayed up too late with his friend the night before). The rest of us were off in the distance, wading neck deep off the shore of a small island at Lake Lanier. Collin yells from the boat that a butterfly just landed on him. I yell back only half interested, "take a picture". I looked over in his direction a few times to see what he was up to. It was about 10 minutes before the butterfly left it's temporary post on his thumb. That's pretty much the whole story.

It was over a week later I was scrolling through the photos on my phone, only out of boredom, that I ran across the photo and noted the abnormality. It promptly went onto facebook, and hasn't left my thoughts since. But it's not mine. It was Collin's that day and it makes me a little misty-eyed to think of her visiting him like that. She loves her big bro!

My friend is right. It is perfectly imperfect. If you've ever wandered to the page where my pictures of Carly are (don't say I didn't warn you first), you would know how much weight this phrase carries in my soul. She was also perfectly imperfect.

She was there with us... I think.

Another big beautiful butterfly dive-bombed me in the face yesterday. I was taking the kids to the Egg Drop at Sprayberry High School and we were just beginning to enter the crowd when it happened. As if Carly was sending a message to say, "Hey... Mom! I'm here too!" It seems that butterflies are really determined to get my attention lately, and at the most coincidental times at that. I remember the one that landed on my windshield, right in front of my face, in the winter time. It wasn't a little tiny blue, or yellow one. And it wasn't just fluttering past in the corner of my eye. It was a big, huge colorful one, that landed right in front of me and visited for a while. My whole life, I couldn't even get near a butterfly... not even in the butterfly gardens where you supposed to experience magical interactions with these georgous creatures. Not me. I must've had a vibe of some kind that scared them all away. Now I can't seem to avoid them. It's awesome and I just thought I'd share it. I need to remember to take pictures when this happens, but I'm so caught off guard and in awe, I almost forget how to breathe as it is.



The Egg Drop was totally awesome. They had a football field at the high school that was covered in Easter eggs. There had to be about 40k eggs on the field! THEN... a helicopter comes flying overhead and dumps a whole bunch more over the side and they tumble down adding to the jackpot already on the field. The kids go crazy, and once the whistle is blown, they sweep over the field like a high powered hoover sucking up every piece of candy in their path. It takes less than a full minute and it's all but over. Now if they could just pick up their rooms with the same speed! Heck... if they would do anything around the house at that speed!

Miss you baby girl. You are in my heart and on my mind every day. I wish you were in my eyes and on my lap too!

Until We Meet Again,
Mommy

just DO... well, er, something!

It's been a while since I've written, but that doesn't mean you haven't been on my mind every day. More and more so, every day.

Lately, I feel like I just want to see you. I want to see you listening to me tell you how much I love you. I want to see you watching me and get to witness those clever little eyes that all babies have, start putting the pieces together and learn something new. I want to see your daddy's face light up when you giggle for him too. I wish I could have a glimpse of what you are doing where you are. Then my thoughts turn more selfish and I want to hold you and never have to give you away again. I want you to be here. I want to talk about you. I want you in this life.

Instead, I just think about you. This turns out to be a very lonely process because as much as I want to talk about you, I am not even sure what I want to say. So I say nothing, and I just keeping turning things over in my mind. You occupy my thoughts all day long. Sometimes I tune out during a meeting, or I have to ask people to repeat themselves because I didn't pay attention like I should have in the first place. I'm always thinking about you instead. I think about you until tears well up in my eyes and remind me that there is a better time and place for this. I think, and think, and think, and do nothing. I think it's time to do something.

Today, I got a phone call from someone who understands all too well what this life is like when your child is missing from it. She asked where the memorial site is that marks Carly's life ever was. She said she would swing by to say hi to her. Yeah, she's thoughtful like that! It was such a nice surprise to have someone call to ask about Carly. It lifted my spirits tremendously, which have been noticeably low lately. I hope Carly and her little girl have made friends in Heaven.

What would have been your first birthday is in less than three months. I should start thinking more about that too. I'm thinking the beach is a good place to celebrate... ;-)

-mommy