All Grown Up

I was casually observing a little boy at the pool this past weekend. He was soooo cute that I couldn't help but watch him. I usually avoid this activity but as I was waving back to his little tiny hands saying hello to me, and adoring his charming baby flirting... it dawned on me all of a sudden that Carly would have been about the same age.

This happens from time to time. Anyone who knows this heartache like I do, has something or someone in their path periodically, just like my toddling reminder today. What's so strange is that those sudden time-checks sneak up and knock the wind out of you for a heartbeat or two. I mean, where does the time go and why is Carly still a newborn baby in my mind? She would be over a year old already, and when I think of her, she is still my little baby, just like the first time I saw her.

I don't believe I'm bat you-know-what crazy for thinking this way, and I'm not running to a therapist for explanation. It makes perfect sense to me that the only visual I have of her in the flesh and blood, has taken up permanent residence to last a lifetime. Eventually, she will be a newborn college graduate and I'm ok with that. Baby Carly... always our baby.

I quickly ran through all the normal mental comparisons from watching today's littlest messenger. I paused somewhere along the process, and gave myself permission to spend some time creating sweet memories of events that never happened. First words, first crawl, first tooth, first time I might have wanted to be literally punched in the jaw and knocked out just to catch a few pristine and uninterrupted z's, and so on. I giggled a little to myself. Next, my thoughts turned to seriously wondering what she might look like today. My imagination failed me miserably on today's attempt, but I'll make another go at it again soon. Did I stop there, though? No. I took it a step further to imagine what she will look like when I meet her again after this life. All of a sudden, she wasn't a baby in my mind anymore. She is a beautiful young 20-something woman with soft, straight hair. She has eyes that express emotion so clearly, and in a way that words could never triumph. She is wise, and graceful, and someone you would naturally trust. Her hands are magic, and every living thing is calmed by her caress; like possessing the Midas Touch, but with peace in place of gold. Her sweet lips were permanently curled in a smile - I suppose this is because she never knew a frown. Anyways, my little girl grew up in a split second.

Despite the ominous undercurrent of the facts, these thoughts were a wonderful exercise that satisfied my soul and I was pleased. As I slowly drifted back into reality, I was contemplating which form I would want her to be when we meet again, as if I have the option to make that decision. Would I prefer to get to hold her like the baby I let go of in the first place? Would I like it more to see her as an adult, capable of intentional expressions and telling me the things I want to hear? And let me clear, "by things I want to hear," I mean anything she wants to say! Oh to hear her voice... I think I made my decision?!

In the end, I decided that I'm not truly decided at all. I'm guessing that once I get over being pissed that this life is over, I'll be happy either way. I'm actually looking forward to it similarly to how I used to look forward to a prize in a cereal box when I was a little girl. I'm not sure what to expect and I like suprises.

Good night, Baby Carly.
-Mommy

She was there with us... I think.

Another big beautiful butterfly dive-bombed me in the face yesterday. I was taking the kids to the Egg Drop at Sprayberry High School and we were just beginning to enter the crowd when it happened. As if Carly was sending a message to say, "Hey... Mom! I'm here too!" It seems that butterflies are really determined to get my attention lately, and at the most coincidental times at that. I remember the one that landed on my windshield, right in front of my face, in the winter time. It wasn't a little tiny blue, or yellow one. And it wasn't just fluttering past in the corner of my eye. It was a big, huge colorful one, that landed right in front of me and visited for a while. My whole life, I couldn't even get near a butterfly... not even in the butterfly gardens where you supposed to experience magical interactions with these georgous creatures. Not me. I must've had a vibe of some kind that scared them all away. Now I can't seem to avoid them. It's awesome and I just thought I'd share it. I need to remember to take pictures when this happens, but I'm so caught off guard and in awe, I almost forget how to breathe as it is.



The Egg Drop was totally awesome. They had a football field at the high school that was covered in Easter eggs. There had to be about 40k eggs on the field! THEN... a helicopter comes flying overhead and dumps a whole bunch more over the side and they tumble down adding to the jackpot already on the field. The kids go crazy, and once the whistle is blown, they sweep over the field like a high powered hoover sucking up every piece of candy in their path. It takes less than a full minute and it's all but over. Now if they could just pick up their rooms with the same speed! Heck... if they would do anything around the house at that speed!

Miss you baby girl. You are in my heart and on my mind every day. I wish you were in my eyes and on my lap too!

Until We Meet Again,
Mommy

Mind Candy

It's a crisp fall Saturday full of possibilities. And by crisp I mean 50 degrees! Why does 50degrees in Atlanta feel like 35? They say it's a 'wet' cold that makes it so brutal. That and the wind, I guess. Either way, I shivered all the way through Collin's baseball game today... which they won! GO VOLCANOES!

There is the cutest little girl that runs around the fields during the games. Blond hair, big blue eyes, and she still has that cute little baby voice when she talks. She makes me think of you. Today, she and Cailey were playing near a little water and she got her shoes all soaked. She took them off and her tiny little feet were bare while she ran around looking for her mom. Annabell I think her name is. I grabbed her up to bring her to my chair where we could dry her feet and wrap them in my blanket for a minute until those tiny toes could warm up a bit. The feeling of a little one in your arms is so awesome. I imagined holding you on my lap as the baby you would still be right now, and for a second, my mind registered the real satisfaction of carrying someone so little and light and cuddly.

I came home, and looked at your pictures again. I stared at the picture of daddy and I holding you. I wished we had more pictures. I wish we weren't so shell shocked that we didn't even think to take more pictures. That's ok though, I have every minute with you burned into my memories. I remember what daddy looked like holding you. I remember how sweetly he stared at you sleeping in your bassinet. I can separate the painful pieces from my thoughts, which is a blessing and a craft. If you really want to, you can train yourself to dissect the memory. You can disregard the ones that include the puffy eyes you saw in the mirror, and the soundless sobbing you did in the dark of the night. You just remember the good(ish) parts. I remember the surprise of how big you were... I expected something much tinier at 34-35 weeks. I remember your big feet. I remember noting that your earlobes had already uncurled and how adorable they were.

All the good stuff in my thoughts today.

Until We Meet Again...
Mommy

Purple Paper Butterflies

I could have written a book but "Hugs N Kisses Baby. Love, Mommy" was all I wrote on the purple paper butterfly, attached to a string, dangling below a purple balloon. Just above, the words "Daddy Loves You Baby Girl" are written. I stare at the poor withering balloon which has already begun to shrink in the heat of the sun. I wonder if this balloon has enough strength to make it out of the parking lot, let alone into the heavens. Because I know Carly is watching us today, the balloon undeservedly wins my faith.

We all release our ballons together at the sound of the anouncers mark. The symbolism is not lost on me as I watch 500 faces turn upwards. In the clear, clear sky, the light and dark purple balloons float in chaotic syncronisity. Most were taken immediately into the wind. Some were released with difficulty and obstacles before children, and grown adults alike, were climbing trees to ensure that each message, each balloon, and each note was delivered as intended. Looking into the distance, it appeared to me as a small army of free souls dancing happily towards some great place.

In a few minutes, they were nothing but a pinhead spot on an infinite horizon. Again, you recognize that familiar feeling that you have just let your little angel go. Out of your grasp, and out of your control. This time is different though and I might have even smiled a little. This time you don't leave with less than you came in with. You're not coming here with your baby, and leaving without. Today you get a little more than what you already had. One more memory, one more reason to live your life with love, and one more glimpse into how great heaven must be.

We love you baby girl. We miss you every day.
-Mommy and Daddy

Thank you Northside Perinatel Loss staff for the chance to come together and remember our baby.