Monday, July 9, 2012

A Different Sunday


Sunday's are the day of the week that the world catches up to me. That's right... I'm not doing the catching up on Sundays, it's the other way around. I just sit still. There's no job stuff to do. There's no appointments. There no house cleaning... at least if it wasn't already done on Saturday, it's not getting done on Sunday. I don't really go out in public much on Sunday. In fact, I almost avoid it. Not deliberately, it just seems to work out that way.


Sunday is the day I think about Carly the most too. I guess it's the lulling hum of the world spinning around me that lures my thoughts to wander without direction. Except, it's always in the same direction, and it's kind of painful. I was watching Miami Ink tonight for a minute, and there was a guy getting a tattoo of his daughters face. His daughter is 2 years old and expected to die soon. I found myself comparing the pain I have, with his, and wondering which is worse. Would I be at more at peace had Carly lived only to watch her slowly die? I hesitantly decided I would have liked it that way better. Selfish, I know. My grief is a very selfish monster these days.

Even my Sunday's have become a selfish act. Usually I lay around most of the day. Crying, pouting, sulking, angry, sad... you get the picture and it's not pretty. I know how selfish that is but I can't stop it. I deprive my husband of the fun companion I usually am to him. I deprive my children of an exciting time together as a family. I deprive myself of another day to enjoy. My advice to anyone I love, if they were in my shoes, would be to live life as hard as you can from here on out. I don't mean go get wild and join a biker club or anything. I just mean don't let it become an endless stream of Sundays, and here I am in an endless stream of Sundays. Friday night = clean up. Saturday = go have fun. Sunday = think about Carly.

So at the Hubs urging, I got out of the house this past Sunday and we went to the mall to goof off for a few minutes. We stopped by Spencer's because if Spencer's doesn't make you laugh, your laugher is broken beyond repair. I saw a t-shirt that said "I would cuddle you so hard!". I laughed. I thought of Carly, and laughed. 

Baby girl, I WOULD cuddle you SO hard - - - though I don't think that's what the t-shirt meant.


Chas said...

Love the shirt! Tugged at my heart a little actually.

Anonymous said...

After talking to you yesterday & today, I'd say you are cuddling that sweet little girl as hard as any good mommy could. She knows & she feels your love. Now, go get doing! Sunday's as well as other tasks you've been waiting for the strength to do. Tomorrow - when you're tempted to stay in - remember your kids and husband lost Carly, too....and don't want to loose you as well - its something I have to remind myself constantly. As you already experienced, you'll see Carly no matter where you go - she's always with you. Take her and the family out for another outing! Love you, girl! Xo, Priscilla