Thursday, June 2, 2011

Right Where I Am: 3 weeks

I am still here. She is still not. There are no plump baby cheeks to kiss, no tiny fingers to curl around mine, and no eyes full of wonder to gaze into. No crying and no coos. No first times. No pictures being taken. No new outfits. No strangers peeking to see what's in my shopping cart.

Instead, I have a body that says I just had a baby, but no baby to prove it. I have the look of a tired new mom, but no baby to show for it. I have too many to-do's, and no reason not have them all done. I have the desire to cradle and rock, but no baby to coddle.

I'm still afraid of forgetting how she felt in my arms. 5 pounds - wrapped tightly - just laying peacefully against me. I sleep, but I don't dream. I smile, but I don't feel happy. I see the world moving on, and leaving her behind. I can't just leave her, but she keeps me from moving forward too. Three weeks have passed, but I have no concept of time. Has it been a short three weeks, or the longest three weeks in my life? I can't tell.

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