Saturday, July 9, 2011

Good Morning Sunshine

Hey baby girl,

How are you? Me and your dad and are doing okay. Better these days, I think. I say that tentatively because it seems we never know what's next.

I saw you in my dreams this week. It was a strange scenario where you were a baby, but you were talking to me. You were just talking gibberish, and complaining about something on your leg or feet. I was just getting ready to feed you. Weird, huh?!?

Anyways, It was a long week, that went by really quickly. Does that even make sense? Well, if you were here, you'd know what I mean. One day it seemed I was headed back to work, and was all stressed out. I was even throwing up all the way to work one day which I am pretty sure was just my nerves getting the best of me. Then, the next thing I know, I'm leaving for a two day retreat at home.

It's been almost exactly 2 months since you were born. I've moved your most adorable outfits to my closet where they hang in their own special section so I can see them every day. Your bouncy seat is full of my maternity clothes and your diaper bag, that nanna made, is sitting in a chair all packed up with your little trinkets and doo-dads neatly inside. It all still sits in the corner of our room. I have no need for these things anymore, but I still can't bring myself to give them away, or put them in storage.

It's not any easier to miss you. Last night, as we were driving home from dinner, I was imagining you being all snapped in to a car seat riding along with us. I looked in the rear view mirror to see the spot where you would have been. Of course, there was a smear of pain that ran across my heart when I saw nothing there. It would be so cool to be surprised and see you just around the corner when I wasn't expecting it. But you're not like a car, or a favorite purse I want. I can't just wait a little longer, and then I can go get you. It's not patience I need. You are the one who must have patience now. You are in the place of waiting and I can't say I'm in a hurry to get there.

It's such a quandary. I want to be here on earth with the ones I love. My husband, my family, my children. I don't want to leave them, and I especially don't want them hurting over me the way I hurt over you. But you are not here, and so I am a contradiction of myself. I want to be with you too just I like I want to be with them. I'm learning it's ok to be happy to be alive, and here with them, even though I know it means I can't be with you. I'm still torn at times, but I rely on my firm belief that we will be together when the time is right.

So hold on, baby. I'm gonna finish what I have to do here, and I'm gonna have as much fun as I can while I'm doing it. I'll never stop thinking about you. I'll never forget that when it is finally all over, you and I will just begin.

Until We Meet Again...

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