Monday, July 4, 2011

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go...

Dear Carly,

It's been a while since I've written you, and I miss you.

I've been very busy relaxing lately. I go back to work tomorrow and I'm just a little nervous. I don't think I'm ready... but I don't really think I ever will be ready so I might as well suck it up and go.

I was holding someone else's baby today. He was born two days before you were supposed to be. He was one of those cuddly babies that falls asleep in your arms and you can feel your worries melt away as you watch him drift off. He was beautiful... but he wasn't you. I thought I would cry, or get emotional, but all I really felt was happy for him, his momma and daddy. You might have met him just before his spirit joined us on earth. I don't pretend to know exactly when that happens, but maybe it's not just chance that he and I visited. I held him, and stared at him, and remembered all the cute little things that babies do like puke, and grunt, and stretch, and make faces while they sleep. As perfect as he was, he wasn't you.

I miss you, baby girl. I miss you with all my heart. I wish I was doing things like watching you gently lie in your daddy's big strong arms. I wish I was talking about what you are like, whether you sleep alot at night, and what simple habits you've picked up when you're awake. I wish we were together.

I'm sorry is all I can really feel today. I'm sorry I didn't catch what was wrong sooner and maybe I could have saved you. I'm sorry to your daddy for letting his heart get broken. I'm sorry for myself because I wanted you so badly too.

I am preparing myself, this last night before going back to work, I am feeling foolish. I feel as though I was a happy little momma-to-be and so naive about it. I feel like all the talking about you, and planning, was for nothing. I feel I built you up so much, that now I am just a fool with a dream that won't come true, and everybody knows it. There are so many hurtful people in the world. They don't care who they step on to get what they want. Whether it's personal or not, they use tactics that are, and often leave you feeling beaten up after they walk away. I run into a lot of people like this at work. Some of those people were yelling at me the day you died, and I'm worried about how I will feel when I see them again. There are some really nice ones too. There are some people that are genuine, honest, and don't use or punish others for their own gain. I really look forward to seeing those people that I get to work with, so I guess it balances out. I'll have to take the bad with the good.

I wish you were here. It would be nice if you could be a part of my cheer up crew, like your siblings are. It's not a hard job... you just have to be here. You just have to be able to hold my hand, give me a hug, and need me.  Where you are though, you don't need me but I still need you. Not as critically as air or water... but it is a need. One I will have to wait to have filled.

Anyways, honey, I will miss you more than ever tomorrow.

Until We Meet Again,

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