Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I won't do it anymore.

I used to follow a good number of bloggers. Maybe not on my blogroll, but they were bookmarked and I would visit pretty often. Their perspective, advice, and positive outlook was inspiring to me in the most difficult stages of my grief. They had already been through what I was sitting smack in the middle of, and it was uplifting to see them joking, enjoying life, and moving forward. What I can't do is continue to follow as some of the story's morph into the delightful journey of a new baby.

Somehow I feel as though they have betrayed me. I know that's not the case, and I'm taking it way too personal. I know... there's no sense trying to reason with me on this one.

While I am happy that they are reacquainting themselves with a bliss once lost, I just don't want to hear about it all the time. When there wasn't this new hope of life brewing in their own, they would write about more things than just babies. Projects, work, funny stuff, philosophy, and so on. Now, I drop in and it's just another scene of the same play I read yesterday. My feet are swollen, I am so tired, look at this picture of my belly today, see my sonogram, and so on. They're not all this way, but the ones that are, are getting on my very last nerve!

I learned that in the death of your baby... life moves on. It is the same in the creation of your baby... life is still moving on. That never changes. The world doesn't stop turning for either scenario, and those people who used to inspire me for their forward, well-rounded, multi-faceted outlooks, are disappointing me for doing a 180 right in my face. They are now hyper-focused on the only reason that I would not have ever followed them in the first place.

For some of us, there is no new baby to look forward to. For whatever reason, there never will be. Carly, honey, you are the last possibility of a dream come true, for both daddy and myself. Not everyone in this situation is totally at peace with the finality of this reality when faced with it. Not me, anyways. Those bloggers who so boldly took position at the pinnacle of a baby loss community, platformed on a powerful and well respected blog, just hijacked every follower, whether willing or not, with a completely opposing content. I find it nothing short of self-centered and disrespectful. Take it somewhere else is what I say. There's nothing wrong with a separate blog... when it's about a separate topic.

"Un-following" seems as taboo as "de-friending" so I can't bring my self to push the button. As if, as soon as I push the button, I'm going to get a nasty text or phone call, or something. Like I'm going to have to explain myself to someone.

You're right... instead of writing about it, I should just go do it. Stop being such a wussy, Tiffany!

Love you, baby. Sorry I'm being so bitchy today.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you're not being bitchy AT ALL mama! i know exactly, exactly, exactly how you feel (and rightfully so). 99.99% of the babyloss blogs you will read have one motive . . . have another baby. even if you aren't planning on having another baby, it still feels like 1,000 tiny pin-pricks when someone announces a pregnancy.

you aren't alone in your feelings mama. i've been feeling it for the past 2 years.

love to you and carly girl!