Monday, December 12, 2011

Death Soup

Last week, I prayed so hard just to stop crying all the time. Whenever I'm alone, well, every time I'm alone, tears would well up to where my eyes could not contain them, and I wasn't even thinking about anything particular. Eventually, the tears would be my reminder like, "oh man, why am I crying?". Then I answer myself, "you're crying for Carly because fill in the blank." There's not much time in every day that I'm all by myself, but I was tired of those moments being filled with tears. I got my wish, and now I can't decide if I really wanted what I wished for. I feel as though my tears were a connection to Carly and letting go of them is kind of hard.

What a silly concept. That my sad tears brought healing and happiness. Now I know what they mean when they say to cry until you feel better. I cried, UNTIL I felt better... not to MAKE me feel better. Once I felt a little better, I didn't want to cry anymore.

That raises the question in my mind. Is crying just part of the process? Like cooking. Can some parts be skipped or will you have to keep repeating the process until you get it right? I know every one's grief is different. There are differing emphasis', and unique circumstances, and independent personality traits that are ingredients for a different dish each time. But there are also some consistency's in each story and I believe it's fair to recognize that fact without minimizing another's perspective. Like many dishes always have the same base, to stay with my cooking analogy if you will. You probably think my analogy is lame, that's ok. I write this blog for me and hope that if you're reading, you 'get it' sometimes and I hope it helps. I'm also really good at making fun of dumb stuff I say too so that's ok if you do also!

The thing is, if I wrote a book about this grief and had to title it right this minute, I would call it "Death Soup". The emotions, dimensions, and even physical changes are so mixed up, with dashes and pinches, and varying measurements of each that depend solely on the preferences of the chef. You are the chef. I am the chef. The recipe is what I make it.

So, my key ingredients are tears and love so far. Those are the two most revealed aspects of my life I've learned about in this journey. Of course, the soup isn't finished. I'm probably just getting started. While I don't know what other ingredients I will use, I can tell you that each ingredient will bring flavor that is only surpassed by the next.  I know they will come from my heart and they will be of the finest quality.

My soup will be delicious! What is your soup made of?

No comments: