Thursday, June 30, 2011

Are You Kidding Me?

It's been amazing how kind many of my friends and acquaintances are. They are delicate with the subject of losing Carly, moreso than I would have expected. It's not a frequent topic, but when it does come up, I cannot complain in the slightest at any comments. What surprises me to no end, is that all the hurtful comments come from my OB office. And not just once.

I went for my 6 week post partum check up today. I was already fighting back tears as I entered the parking lot and hung up the phone with Scott. I already had two babies and I remember these check ups from before. It's sort of the Dr.'s appointment where you're there for official business, but it's also the chance you get to bring your baby in and show off what you, and your Dr., and nurses have all been working towards together for so many months. I knew I had nothing to show and felt empty once again.

I'm going through all the pre-requisits for an actual Dr. visit. Weight, blood pressure, etc. The nurse, knowing it was a 6 week check up, then started asking for some back story. I thought it strange that she didn't already know my delivery date. I found it strange that she didn't already know this was a cesarian, and a repeat cesarian at that. I did have my last baby with them so they should know. Never-the-less, this back and forth was redundant but if it helps her, I'm happy to fill in the blanks. OK, then the questions get stranger. "Boy or girl?" she asks. "Girl" comes out of my mouth but I wanted to ask is why does it matter? "What was the baby's weight?" she follows up. Seriously... what does this matter? Again, being already emotional, I'm trusting that they know what they are doing and answering the questions. "5 pounds.", I say. What comes out of her mouth next is nothing short of negligent. "Breast or bottlefed?" WHAT?!?! What I should have said was, "I'm sorry, my dead baby refused to do either." Instead I looked at her with daggers in my eyes, and told her my baby was stillborn. She apologized, which was the right thing for her to do, but what I needed was for her to put us in a time machine and go back about five minutes, and not ask me these painful questions.

What's sad, is this is not the first time since Carly died that I have had to remind my Dr.'s office that my baby was dead. I had called the office to ask for a prescription of antidepressants a few days after getting home from the hopsital. After giving all the critical identifying information so that they could properly document/record this request, I waited a few hours for someone to call me back. When I tell her what I am asking for, she tells me that the only thing she can prescribe while I'm still pregnant is xyz medication. Again, SERIOUSLY?!?!? I tell her I'm not pregnant anymore and without apology, she justs prescribes the same thing anyways.

Why, oh why... please tell me why all of my friends, acquaintances, and clients, who I don't even come in conctact with much, are better at remember this event, and treating the situation with delicacy, while the elite few that have been involved in my pregnangy down to every detail, cannot?

Everyone speaks out about the well meant comments that hurt from family, friends and co-workers. What about your own Dr.'s office? Does anyone else have this problem or is it just me? Everyone in the angel baby communities wants to be heard so that the stigma and taboo nature of baby loss discussions are slowly but surely eliminated. That's kind of hard to do when your own team of professionals on the topic can't even get it right. I feel it is their job to know my medical history. It is their job to compare the data they have and ensure inconsistencies are addressed to the fullest exent possible.

I was already having difficulty understanding whether or not I received a quality of care that was due in my situation. I don't want to blame anyone, but I know they could have, and should have done better. Whether it saved Carly or not, I don't know. I do know that these most recent interactions since Carly's death, confirm that one of two things is happening. Either, they have do not have the ability to stay apprised of my progress, or they do not take the time to use the resources they have in order to provide quality and informed care. Either way, I feel slighted. I do blame them for not paying attention. I do blame them for sloppy work. I do blame them for claiming to be experts while they do not even take time to review who I am or why I'm there. I do think they contributed to her death in their failure to maximize the chances that Carly could have lived. I will have to live with that, I suppose.

1 comment:

AmanderMonster said...

That's so brutal and cold. I'm sorry the medical world can be so clinical. To this day, more than 800 days after, every time I go to my Gyn office the same nurse says "One pregnancy? How old is baby?". And every time I have to reply with "One pregnancy, no baby". Her apology is meaningless.