Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Baby Steps To Happiness

Hey there sweetie-pie.

All is well. I changed jobs, which is hectic at the moment, but every day I see more clearly how much I needed to make this kind of change. Your daddy managed to "dodge a bullet" (as he says) in a lay off spree they just finished at his job. In fact, they reworked his pay structure and it seems that things are looking up in all directions.


I was in church this Sunday. I haven't been back since you died. It was just Cailey and me. It was nice to see familiar faces. I'm not close to anyone there, but I really enjoyed the message. Sunday School discussed Lamentations. (How appropriate!)  The message was on the motives for prayer. I had been struggling to define the enormous overflowing of love I was feeling when, and since you died. It was so strong and almost out of place so it's always weighed on my mind as to why, of all the emotions I could (or should) have been feeling, was love the most prevalent? It finally dawned on me... 3+ months later... that this was God's love. It was a comfort that was meant for me in the most difficult time of my life. It wasn't exactly what the preacher meant the message to be, I don't think, but somewhere between the 10th time of hearing him say "you can never bankrupt God's love" and reminding Cailey that she can't lay down in the pews with her dress up over her ears (practically), it hit me. I know where it came from. I know why. I cherish that love even more now, knowing where it came from.

Aside from all that, I'm busy. School is back in session for your siblings. Jon started high school this year. Collin started middle school... and band. Chris is still in college, and Cailey in elementary school. yikes! We've got one in every sector for two more years. Me? I still love reading other people's blogs, although I am selective in who I actually "follow" and I am ashamed to say I rarely comment. I love the randomness of their thoughts sometimes. I really enjoy the diversity. I enjoy contemplating other's opinions, hearing them rant over a hot button they've discovered, or pointing out something curious about an otherwise meaningless happenstance. It's all good.

We went to the beach a few weekends ago. We drew your name in the sand. It turned out cute. The curious part of that event was that after we had drawn your name... and the hearts... and the butterfly, I was walking back to our things in the softer sand, and noticed a spot where the tide had washed over where someone had already drawn earlier. You could still make out what it had once said vividly. It said "baby" and had a heart drawn on either side. hmmmmmm. I still wonder was it for a new baby to be, for a teenage heartthrob, or another little angel just like you?

Until We Meet Again...

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