Saturday, October 29, 2011

Mind Candy

It's a crisp fall Saturday full of possibilities. And by crisp I mean 50 degrees! Why does 50degrees in Atlanta feel like 35? They say it's a 'wet' cold that makes it so brutal. That and the wind, I guess. Either way, I shivered all the way through Collin's baseball game today... which they won! GO VOLCANOES!

There is the cutest little girl that runs around the fields during the games. Blond hair, big blue eyes, and she still has that cute little baby voice when she talks. She makes me think of you. Today, she and Cailey were playing near a little water and she got her shoes all soaked. She took them off and her tiny little feet were bare while she ran around looking for her mom. Annabell I think her name is. I grabbed her up to bring her to my chair where we could dry her feet and wrap them in my blanket for a minute until those tiny toes could warm up a bit. The feeling of a little one in your arms is so awesome. I imagined holding you on my lap as the baby you would still be right now, and for a second, my mind registered the real satisfaction of carrying someone so little and light and cuddly.

I came home, and looked at your pictures again. I stared at the picture of daddy and I holding you. I wished we had more pictures. I wish we weren't so shell shocked that we didn't even think to take more pictures. That's ok though, I have every minute with you burned into my memories. I remember what daddy looked like holding you. I remember how sweetly he stared at you sleeping in your bassinet. I can separate the painful pieces from my thoughts, which is a blessing and a craft. If you really want to, you can train yourself to dissect the memory. You can disregard the ones that include the puffy eyes you saw in the mirror, and the soundless sobbing you did in the dark of the night. You just remember the good(ish) parts. I remember the surprise of how big you were... I expected something much tinier at 34-35 weeks. I remember your big feet. I remember noting that your earlobes had already uncurled and how adorable they were.

All the good stuff in my thoughts today.

Until We Meet Again...

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