Sunday, June 26, 2011

Dear Daddy,

There's a silent struggle in my house. It's the one where both mom and dad try to find their way through grief in their own way.  This isn't like us though. This isn't how we handle difficulty. We talk. We've always talked ... about everything. We talk about anything. But lately, there's silence. There's a wedge between us that I'm not sure how or why it's happened. I'm sure it's temporary. I can't stand missing my best friend while he's sitting right next to me.

I wanted to write him a letter from Carly, but instead, this came out. I'm not a "poem writer" so don't judge it too harshly.

I heard mommy asking me to let her know I'm near.
I've seen the way she's cried because I am not there.
I've watched you comfort her, and keep her calm, and wipe away her tears.
But sweet daddy, I also see you, and I know how much you care.

I hate to have to leave you with empty dreams and empty arms.
I miss you too, and wanted to be yours, for as long as He would give.
But here I am in Heaven, skipping your world's harms.
And when He calls you back, here too, you'll one day live.

Between you and I is only a veil, and it isn't all that tough.
But still I know it hurts you not to see, or hear, or get to feel my touch,
Be assured I know of other ways that we can be together while it's rough.
The spirit you've been given will remind you that I love you very much.

So listen up, all day long. I'm always all around.
I'm in your heart. I'm in the breeze. I'm playing in the brook.
Yes, that's right, it's me that's making all that silent sound,
You'll know it's me if you just take the time to look.

I wish he knew how it was killing me to not ask him to talk about losing her. Sometimes I cry because I miss her... and sometimes I cry because I feel so alone in my missing her. I know he misses her too... just as much as me... maybe more.  That's not the issue. Him not wanting to talk about her isn't fair... what about my need TO talk about her? I have to tell him that no group, or blog, or therapist can replace my need for him... and I feel alone without him.


Susan Franks said...

Very well said Tiffany! My heart is breaking for you. Is he maybe afraid that it will upset you to talk about Carly and doesn't want to upset you anymore than you already are?

Unknown said...

I'm sure that's part of the equation. I am happy to say that we did talk... and then we went to the lake and had the most fun we have had since Carly. We're moving in the right direction, just not with machined precision.

Anonymous said...

Im also a grieving father and i feel the same as scotty some times. Yer it was hard to not talk about it as i was afraid, that talking about our boys was gonna make things worse. But when we got together on our own after the funeral and everything we just talked for hours, it was the best feeling ever and it made it 100 times better then what it did a couple weeks ago. So all i say to scotty just keep carly in your heart but never stop talking about her.