Monday, June 13, 2011

One Month Ago

Today is one month since we lost you, honey. And in two more days, it will be the day we were waiting for... the day you were supposed to arrive. 10:45 AM. Oh yeah, it's been one loooong month and I have cried every day of it. I've had some smiles too... but they haven't been the smiles that I'm used to. They aren't deep, and they aren't as fulfilling. They certainly are welcome but they just aren't' the same. I want those smiles back, but I don't know how.

I don't think time is going to heal this pain. It's like arthirtis, except it's in your heart. Some days are tolerable but only because you get used to it. Then out of blue, your condition is worse, and it hurts more. Then you learn to tolerate that too and the cycle continues. They call it coping, I think. I would like to be learning to cope with huge piles of cash! Some retail therapy always helps. Instead, I've learned to distract myself; look away from the radiant mother-to-be in line in front of me, and ignore all the reminders of how our lives would be different if only. Every date is monumental and means something when you're missing someone you love. 1 month since, 2 days until; the list is endless. I don't know if it's different when you're missing someone you've had the chance to hold and kiss for 50 years, or missing someone you held and kissed only once. I only know it sucks.

Anyways, baby, your Daddy's family gave me a great necklace to remember you by. It has your name, date of birth, a charm and a sweet saying inscribed on it. It means so much to me. It jingles a little when I move around and it reminds me of bells ringing from a church far away. It reminds me of you in every way. Nanna Guest wants to make sure I add your birthstone to my wedding band. It already has Collin, Jon, Cailey, and Chris' in it... I'm just missing you. Let me say that again... I'm just missing you.

Until We Meet Again,
Mom and Dad

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