How did this happen? I spend more time laughing than crying lately. I still think of you every day, a couple times a day, or even all day. But lately, my sorrow maintains itself on the inside. The abundance of tears available at a whim are too distance to call upon anymore. Unfortunately, my avoidance of other babies is still obvious.
The other day, Scott and I were in the grocery store and had the usual debate, "which check out lane will be fastest". As we approached the only two lanes of eager register operators, Scott quickly offered his opinion with a confidence that seemed out of place. As I ignored him, and started to wheel us into a lane with the fewest items on the scanner, I immediately realized the source of his confidence. Although there were very few items remaining on the conveyor, and this clerk seemed pretty quick on the scanner, there was a brand new baby in the lane and whatever short time was left to stand behind our predecessors, would have felt like an eternity. So, I blatantly turned the cart towards the only alternative lane, recommended by Scott in the first place, because it was baby free. As we cleared the lane and headed for the parking lot, I could see the couple and their baby still checking out and thanked God for some mercy. Silently, we both understood the pain it would have caused each other to watch this awkward new mom and dad with their special little darling, and without a word, we appreciated that we were on the same page.
So, no tears at the grocery store like in times before. Just clear and purposeful efforts of redirection. That is what my life has become... a series of redirections. There are still some unavoidable reminders, and probably always will be, that make me think of how are lives are supposed to be with you here. But we're making our way. It's not as much fun as it could have been. It's not fair. It's not ideal. It's downright miserable if I think about it for too long. But this life is short, they say. I'll just have to miss you for now... not for forever.
Kisses and hugs, baby girl. I love you more today than yesterday.