It's been a while since I've written, but that doesn't mean you haven't been on my mind every day. More and more so, every day.
Lately, I feel like I just want to see you. I want to see you listening to me tell you how much I love you. I want to see you watching me and get to witness those clever little eyes that all babies have, start putting the pieces together and learn something new. I want to see your daddy's face light up when you giggle for him too. I wish I could have a glimpse of what you are doing where you are. Then my thoughts turn more selfish and I want to hold you and never have to give you away again. I want you to be here. I want to talk about you. I want you in this life.
Instead, I just think about you. This turns out to be a very lonely process because as much as I want to talk about you, I am not even sure what I want to say. So I say nothing, and I just keeping turning things over in my mind. You occupy my thoughts all day long. Sometimes I tune out during a meeting, or I have to ask people to repeat themselves because I didn't pay attention like I should have in the first place. I'm always thinking about you instead. I think about you until tears well up in my eyes and remind me that there is a better time and place for this. I think, and think, and think, and do nothing. I think it's time to do something.
Today, I got a phone call from someone who understands all too well what this life is like when your child is missing from it. She asked where the memorial site is that marks Carly's life ever was. She said she would swing by to say hi to her. Yeah, she's thoughtful like that! It was such a nice surprise to have someone call to ask about Carly. It lifted my spirits tremendously, which have been noticeably low lately. I hope Carly and her little girl have made friends in Heaven.
What would have been your first birthday is in less than three months. I should start thinking more about that too. I'm thinking the beach is a good place to celebrate... ;-)
-mommy
Lately, I feel like I just want to see you. I want to see you listening to me tell you how much I love you. I want to see you watching me and get to witness those clever little eyes that all babies have, start putting the pieces together and learn something new. I want to see your daddy's face light up when you giggle for him too. I wish I could have a glimpse of what you are doing where you are. Then my thoughts turn more selfish and I want to hold you and never have to give you away again. I want you to be here. I want to talk about you. I want you in this life.
Instead, I just think about you. This turns out to be a very lonely process because as much as I want to talk about you, I am not even sure what I want to say. So I say nothing, and I just keeping turning things over in my mind. You occupy my thoughts all day long. Sometimes I tune out during a meeting, or I have to ask people to repeat themselves because I didn't pay attention like I should have in the first place. I'm always thinking about you instead. I think about you until tears well up in my eyes and remind me that there is a better time and place for this. I think, and think, and think, and do nothing. I think it's time to do something.
Today, I got a phone call from someone who understands all too well what this life is like when your child is missing from it. She asked where the memorial site is that marks Carly's life ever was. She said she would swing by to say hi to her. Yeah, she's thoughtful like that! It was such a nice surprise to have someone call to ask about Carly. It lifted my spirits tremendously, which have been noticeably low lately. I hope Carly and her little girl have made friends in Heaven.
What would have been your first birthday is in less than three months. I should start thinking more about that too. I'm thinking the beach is a good place to celebrate... ;-)
-mommy
1 comment:
I think they are holding hands, skipping and playing, and talking excitedly about when we will join them. :)
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